I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
