Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
