This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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