Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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