On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
