My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
