who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
