i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
