i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize