sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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