In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This is my gift to your gina
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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