sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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