Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
