someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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