I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
