If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
