What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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