Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
