Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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