I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
