Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
