You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
