Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
