So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
