**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
