I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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