I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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