what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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