when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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