Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
