WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
