and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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