I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
two words...techno handjob
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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