MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
