it was like his penis was on wheels.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
