This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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