More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
