we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
