i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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