He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Randomize
