Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
