The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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