I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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