He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You were trust falling into bushes
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
