Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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