She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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