my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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