He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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