Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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