you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
