Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
