yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
