Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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