Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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