I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
