Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
