Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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