Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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