I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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