She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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