Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
