Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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