I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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