someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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