Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
