i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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