i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
