Your dad touched me again.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
